My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
