do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
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You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
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He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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