I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
