I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
