why didn't you poke me back
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
