Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
