Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
