if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Can I color on your dick again?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
