Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
