____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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