Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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