Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
