Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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