Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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