Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
