Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
