If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
