dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
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I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.