I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
