You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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