Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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