She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
