I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
