Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
