found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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