Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
