Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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