you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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