She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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