Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
