i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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