Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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