Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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