I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
