My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
