Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
