my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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