If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
