I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
