Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
