I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
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