I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
