I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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