I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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