he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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