You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
