If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
