you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
