I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
