Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
