I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
