Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
