getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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