I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
