I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It was like getting head from an anaconda
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
