you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
