So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My first STD was from a foam party
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
