I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
