So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
