did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
