I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
